the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
