she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.