I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight