The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.