You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
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Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
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Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after