Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.