I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
