I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
