She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
