She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
