whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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