Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
