you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
