I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
