My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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