I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize