Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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