Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.