I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
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How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
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do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him