exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
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You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
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hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot