If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."