3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night