Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?