Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain