Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.