we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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