I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
