She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
