What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
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We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
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I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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