I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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