ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
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I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
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Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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