You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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