one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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