I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
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