You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
