My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize