I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize