I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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