My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize