once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
