Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
