oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
