i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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