look no pants
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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