Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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