I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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