If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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