I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
