When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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