All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
