yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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