i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
