When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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