I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize