So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
