My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
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New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
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Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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