Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
