I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize