My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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