how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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